Do not ever bring a library book into this house and expect to see it again.
For this house is built on a doomed Indian Burial Ground in the heart of the Bermuda Triangle in the eye of a Laundry Tornado at the base of Crap Mountain.
Considering Betachild's birth certificate is probably in the pile of junk housed in the old bathtub next to the laundry room, who the hell would give said child A LIBRARY BOOK? And then assign a Fantasy Book Report that can only be written about a SECOND LIBRARY BOOK? That can only be obtained upon return of the FIRST LIBRARY BOOK? That has been lost for so long we can't remember what it was about but only vaguely that it may or may not have something to do with gerbils / hamsters / guinea pigs? Aliens? Puppies?
AlphaTeacher: "The book report was due today. Please have Betachild turn it in tomorrow."
Betamom: "She can't. She has no library book."
AlphaTeacher: "She needs a library book to do her report."
Betamom: "I know. She can't do her report."
AlphaTeacher: "I don't understand."
Betamom: "Can she do it about a different book?"
AlphaTeacher: "We'd really prefer not."
Betamom: "..."
AlphaTeacher: (BRIGHTLY) "Anyways, the book report was due today. Please have Betachild turn it in tomorrow."
DO NOT EVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, GIVE ANYONE IN BETAFAMILY A LIBRARY BOOK! DO NOT LISTEN TO BETAMOM IF SHE EVER, EVER, EVER SAYS OTHERWISE. SHE MUST BE DRUNK.
And while we're at it, don't let us near Blockbuster, either.