Forget bone density. You are losing some percentage of your brain mass. That is a scientifically proven fact. What the doctor actually said to you went like this: "There's nothing wrong with you, you just have the brain of a fifty year old woman." O.K. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T BROKEN 40, BUTTWIPE! Actually, your diagnosis rates right up there with the time your groovy overpriced hollywood hairdresser who also does Cameron's hair thought your husband was your son. Or the time your doctor who was giving you a chest x-ray asked you if you were interested in breast implants, "since you are a viable candidate, and this is, you know, L- A."
B-I-T-E M-E. As betachild would say, doc thinks he's hot snot on a silver platter when really he's cold boogers on a tin plate.
How to get more brain?
1. Forget Sudoku. Betahusband and now even betachild and the boy she once had a crush on are doing it, but to you, it looks like the mathematical equivalent of a voluntary root canal. If math is how you are going to develop your brain, try to remember your children's birthdays, in order, with your eyes closed. If you can do that, proceed on to your mother, father, siblings...and when you can't actually recall any of those, try to devise creative plans to get them to tell you each other's birthdays without confessing you don't know any of them. If you can do all of that, I assure you it will be the equivalent of one line of a beginner Sudoku puzzle. Once you have this mastered, try to remember the day of your last period, the month of your last highlights, what to pay the piano teacher, when you last took those advil, or the last time you had sex. If these challenges are all still too advanced, try to remember to check the seventeen messages on your voice mail, or even your own name.
2. If you can't do any of the above, just start making things up. It's very creative, and nobody really minds getting a birthday card, even if it's out of season. And look on the bright side. It's possible you had sex this morning, and you just can't remember it.
3. Read a book, preferably a slightly smutty one about Henry the VIII probably written for sixth graders. If you can't read a book, break down and get reading glasses. If you can't even stand to get the cute green sparkly kind, because let's be honest, they're still reading glasses, go to Barnes and Noble and buy slutty magazines, and read them in this order, from most illiterate to most words: start with the clone of Celebrity Living, which is itself a clone of In Touch, which is itself a clone of US, which is essentially Cheaple without all the words. Words are bad when you have to conserve brain matter, so you need to read that one last. Star is OK since they upgraded the paper, and you can slot that one in right before US if needed, but don't ever, ever, stoop to National Enquirer unless you are actually getting on a plane. Betamom still has to have standards. Some standards. Some very low standards.
4. If looking for an added challenge, try to compare all the shots of Nicole Richie and DJAM and see how many angles of the same shot you can come up with. Award yourself 5 points for the same outfit, 10 points for the same day, and 15 points for conflicting headlines about the same subject: TomKat is together, TomKat is broken up, Brangelina is together, Brangelia is broken up, Vaughniston is together, Vaughniston is broken up...and so forth. Make sure to skip all the articles about Star Jones, Tara Reid, and Desperate Housewives. When you really are a desperate housewife, there's just something unfunny about the details of Marsha's perfect engagement or Terri and Ryan's fake romance or how Felicity (who Cheaple readers know to call "Flicka") and her doting husband still make time for their toddlers. Skip skip skip.
5. Go online. Check www.pinkisthenewblog every day and explore every link about every celebrity in the above paragraph. It's like reading all the magazines without having to wait until friday.
6. Try to remember which day is Friday.
7. Try to remember number 7.
8. What???
Pink is the New Blog
Sudoku