Beta Mom

Kello Kitty Sushi Party

BetaKid's birthday is not for months, but she enjoys planning her party. (She's actually fairly Alpha that way.) She has decided on a number of themes so far, and they change weekly. BetaMom keeps in mind BetaMom's Birthday Rule #5: Don't commit to a theme until the invitations have to go out. BetaKid WILL change their mind.

I haven't bought anything so far. However, each time she comes up with a new theme, BetaMom spends a few minutes envisioning the party in her cluttered mind.

Recently BetaKid has been obsessed with the Japanese cartoon stylings of Hayao Miyazaki. It could be that BetaMom has stopped buying any movies that mostly feature the color pink or a princess who is saved by a prince or turned into a beautiful animal, real or otherwise. It's not a femminist issue - those movies are just real annoying. I prefer that my kid watches Whisper of the Heart and sings "Contry Roads" any day.

Said BetaKid may also have a penchant for eel sushi, which she has been told is chicken.

Which leads us to this week's theme: Hello Kitty-Japanese. Huh? The party goes something like this:

Invitations:
standard Hello Kitty invites.

Decor:
Hello Kitty party decor from Birthday Party Express or Plum Party
chopsticks (good for poking your eye out)
Hello Kitty Balloons

Food:
Pizza (it's what kids really want)
Fruit Platter (from Gelsons)
Mini sandwiches Platter (from Gelsons)
Sushi Platter - cucumber and eel (from Gelsons)

Drinks:
Bottled water
Juice Boxes (following BetaMom's Birthday Rule #6: only buy drinks in bottles or with an attached straw so you don't have to buy cups. How lazy is that!)

Cake:
BetaMom's Birthday Rule #7: Don't make the cake yourself. That is crazy. Just get it from the market.

Favors: (Here's where BetaMom gets a little Alpha)
Sushi takeout containers filled with
Chopsticks
japanese candy from the market - Strawberry Pocky, Botan Rice Candy, etc...
Hello Kitty Tissues (they won't blow their nose, but they like having them...)

Location/Entertainment:
This is the most important BetaMom Birthday Rule to remember:
BetaMom Birthday Rule #8: Don't have the party at your house. Your BetaKid probably takes some class or has some activity that will allow you to ave the party at their location. If you kid takes gymnastics, have it there. Karate? Bright Child? All great choices. Anywhere but home, it causes too much house shame and anxiety. You might as well invite the other moms over to look through your underwear drawer.

So that's BetaKid's party this week. I am sure it will change soon.

BetaBirthday Manifesto

Nothing brings out the Beta in BetaMom like birthday party season. It's a time where Alphas and Betas show what they are made of. Alpha vultures circle us at birthday parties to find our weaknesses. We square off like the Sharks and the Jets at a rumble, except we're the ones that forgot our switchblades. Crap. Who took my switchblade out of my purse?

Some common invitaitons to rumble:

What weekend are you having BetaKid's party? Oooh, that's when my AlphaKid's is scheduled - and the invitations are already in the mail! Gosh - what are you going to do?

Oh! You are having the bubble guy? (singing lady? animal people? clowns?) We are too - the weekend before.

We are building a carnival in our yard.

It's on.

Even the most Beta of us in not immune to Alpha's superiority complex. Her hot glue gun is our Krptonite. Every handmade invitation, professionally catered party, set decorations, and over the top gesture makes us feel like we are less of a mother. Betas - I want you to remember this: (say it with me) IT'S NOT TRUE!

Does it make them a better mother because they were up all night working on the invitations? NO. It makes them tired and irritable.
Does it make them a better mother because they hired Patina to cater the event? NO It makes them stupid.
Does it make them a better mother because they used an event planner? NO It means that they have lost all perspective.

Our only way to fight back is to remember the only thing she forgets - the Kid. Alpha or Beta, everyone derserves to have fun at their birthday party. Or at least not be yelled at through a bullhorn. BetaMom has seen an AlphaMom ordering around guests with a bullhorn. It was scary. So BetaMoms, we ask you to win the war with a novel idea: a party that your kid will like.

BetaMom has learned some truths about birthday parties:
1. A young child has no idea of scale. A party of 20 is the same as having her 3 cousins over. As long as it's clear who is the guest of honor.
2. Pizza is the same, if not preferable to Patina.
3. The cheezier the decorations, the more your kids will like them.
4. For younger kids, parents will resent you if you don' t bring out the cake after an hour and a half. It's like being held hostage. The party should land no longer than 2 hours. If that.

So get over it, BetaMoms. Take the pressure off yourself. Being an overachiever didn't help Martha Stewart. It just landed her in the joint.

(Stay tuned for easy birthday ideas that won't require xanax or a hot glue gun.)