Tomorrow is the first day of school for Betakindergartener.
Which, in Westla-speak, means -- Rush is on! Time to Rush Kindergarten. Tomorrow will Betakid pack the tried and true Pink Princess Lunchbox, which got her through pre-K -- purchased in a fit one day after you figured out that the reason your child wouldn't stay for Stay Days was because all girls without princess lunchboxes were being victimized by Alpha Miniature FTWs -- Future Trophy Wives? Or is the Princess Thing over yet? Is Hello Kitty a safer bet? It has a little Asian twist to it -- Paris Hilton would carry it. Or should you stay neutral in case black is the new pink?
Kindergarten Rush also means time for day after day of shoot-me-in-the-head, mommy and me playdates, the Kindergarten equivalent of the blind date. I don't know who it's more painful for, actually -- the kids who don't know each other and play at opposite sides of the over-pinked bedroom, or the mommies who don't know each other and have to prove how educated ("When I was at school in New Haven...," translation: Yale) how wealthy ("When we were in Idaho...," translation: the 6,000 square foot house in Sun Valley) and how down to earth they are. This can only go on for so long before you call yourself on your cell phone and leave.
Here's the best performance of last week's rush: a lovely couple, a kindly enough westla mother and daughter, meet you for a blind playdate for ice cream, "unless you belong to the Beach Club, where A Few Of The Other Kids (translation: "who are gentry like me") Are Meeting." Sorry, no. While they eat kiddie cones, Betakid wolfs it down and asks for a Large. (Has she not gotten the memo that nobody eats in this town? Have you done nothing right?) Not wanting to cause a scene, and possibly because you forgot to feed her lunch, you compromise with the Medium. The kids still do not speak to each other. Betakid finally crawls into Betamom's lap and comes up with her first words of the day, the classic line of all time, the ultimate Blind Date Torpedo:
"THIS IS BORING. I WISH I WAS IN MY ROOM PLAYING WITH LISA. CAN WE GO HOME NOW?"
"Who is Lisa?" asks the Blind Date Kindergartener. Her interest is piqued by Betakid's diss, because, like all good Westa-creatures, she only wants what she cannot have. Lisa is, in fact, the nanny's eight year old daughter, who is hanging out at your house because school is out for the summer and she has nowhere to go. Lisa was born in Guatemala, and has some marginal developmental disabilities that make her the ideal partner for playing ponies, drawing pictures, watching cartoons, just hanging out.
Betakid assures everyone, "Lisa is The Best Girl in the World."
The Blind Date is intrigued. "Mommy, can we go home and play with Lisa?" Blind Date Mom is trapped. What answer can anyone give in that situation but yes? Either you're racist, or you're phobic about disability, or you're rigid, or you're controlling. In any event -- you can guess what happens next.
In Betakid's super-pinked bedroom, Lisa reliably strikes up a game of My Little Pony make believe. Betakid, back in her comfort zone, sort of ignores the Blind Date. Blind Date Mom toughs it out gamely. She's being admirably Flexible. When you have to call her that night for the grand finale, to tell her that Betakid has a fever, and admit that you are also That Family, the Family Who Spreads Contagion Throughout Your School, she still manages to keep up that poker face. This woman didn't go to law school for nothing.
You think about calling to apologize, but then you realize - this is Rush. It's a test. Take advantage of the ritual screening process. If she ever speaks to you again, she's a match. She can rush Beta Beta Beta. You can pick up her kid late for carpool and get her to fax over the missing girl scout permission slip, no sweat. She's great.
And if she's not going to speak to you ever again, it's better you know now, anyways. Once an Alpha, always an Alpha.
So here's a last piece of advice. Suck it up. It's time to teach Betakid the facts of life. Sleeping Beauty has that Alpha hair. Snow White has that Alpha skin. Jasmine has those Alpha Abs...FTW's, all of them. Ditch the princess lunchbox while you have the chance. Eat the big cone. Play with the nanny's kid.
Rush Beta.
