...by getting his Hot Rocks off during a massage at a hotel spa in Scotland. On His Honeymoon. You know the story. That's right, you read about it a few Fridays ago in Cheaple. Now it's the first time BetaMom has gotten a massage since then, and well, it's all she can think about.
Well, that's not strictly true. BetaMom is also wondering if the Masseuse has IBS, because someone's bowels are growling and gurgling right in her ear. BetaMom is wondering if she will have to pee from drinking too much Spa Water in the Quiet Room. BetaMom is also wondering what the Masseuse could have snacked on in the back room that would have stopped all the gurgling...what the back room looks like...do they all stand around back there talking about Kevin Costner jacking up his life...and now here we are, back at Kevin Costner and his Hot Rocks.
As if there was ever anything else.
The towel that covers a small strip of the BetaButt is very small. Was Kevin's towel that small? AK, After Kevin, the towel seems much smaller. BetaMom never used to be one of those moms who had to wear a bathing suit during a massage. AK, she is regretting it. She is wondering what the Masseuse did in the moments leading up to the Hot Rocks incident. Was there some accidental Massaging? Did he just flip over and start, you know...Rocking those Rocks? Or did his Rocks get Rocked and if so, could that happen to BetaMom?
BetaMom begins to panic with every IBS gurgle. She contemplates sitting up and leaving. She worries that this will make IBS girl feel badly. She worries that IBS girl may have an intestinal bag, and that sitting up will make IBS girl burst into tears, since IBS girl has been living a long and painful life of intenstinal noise. BetaMom feels terribly for her, and now guilty for imagining Doritos could have fixed the situation. BetaMom reminds herself that the constitution protects those small zones she would not like to have massaged. The law is on her side. PreK and AK, spa nudity is not real nudity... right? ...right?
BetaMom can hear the clock ticking between the gurgles and over the Hopi massage soundtrack.
BetaMom decides that Kevin Costner must Whack the Rocks all the time, even with strangers, even on his honeymoon. Stuff like that doesn't happen to just anyone.
BetaMom imagines Kevin Costner sizing up other opportunities...in the dentist's chair...in the elevator...in the back of a cab...at a parent teacher conference...at the DMV...
IBS girl picks up the hot rock from BetaMom's stomach. Free at last. Time for a good cry.
Thank you, Kevin Costner. BetaMom sincerely hopes it was the best sex of your life. AK, you have ruined massages for all the rest of us, for all the rest of time and all eternity.
Now pray Cheaperazzi aren't there when he does it at Haagen Dazs. That, that would be a real problem.
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