Beta: Katie, Katie, come on. You know we love you. We’ve always loved you, back since the days of Dawson’s Creek.
Kate: (listless) Oh. My name is Kate, now. (trails off)
Beta: Katie, Katie, come sit by me. I brought you a red velvet cupcake from Sprinkles in Beverly Hills?
Kate: (almost imperceptibly brightening) With the cream cheese frosting?
Beta: Of course.
Kate: (stuffing her face) Mummph Mummph Mummph.
Beta: Let’s talk about Tom.
Kate: (stricken) Don’t – mummph – tell him – mymmph – about the Sprinkles.
Beta: Tom doesn’t care about you. We do.
Kate: I don’t even read your site.
Beta: I mean the hoards of strangers who read Cheaple. The countless photographers who are stalking you. The moms on the opposing soccer teams. The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf employees. The Barneys and Neiman’s shoe salesmen. The people making your chubby wedding dress. All people you will never meet and don’t care about. We’re all rooting for you. Because you’re making a real mistake, and we just don’t know if we can bear to watch it anymore.
Kate: I’ll level with you. He’s Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. Doesn’t that mean anything to you people? Even if he is crazy as a loon, he’s Tom freaking Cruise. How could I pass up the chance to marry Tom Cruise? Didn’t you ever see Top Gun? Risky Business?
Beta: We understand. You live a fairy tale life, only it’s the wrong one. It’s a spooky one. You think you’re Cinderella but you’re really Sleeping Beauty, and unless he’s given you a physical lobotomy, you’re asleep or at least extremely medicated and you’re not going to wake up for 100 years. You know the drill.
Kate: You people think I’m depressed. You don’t know me.
Beta: We know you’re freaked out because you didn’t know how big a nutter your boyfriend was when you got knocked up, and now you’re in a panic and you’re living with Norman Bates and you don’t know what to do about it. You didn’t know he would think aliens are real and shrinks are pretend. You didn’t know he likes to keep his wife in a little jar on his shelf. You didn’t know he was going to change your name and kick dirt in your family’s face. You just didn’t know. And you thought the weird thing about him was that he used to have adult braces…
Kate: I just want to talk to Dawson. Where’s Dawson? If he were here he would make everything okay again.
Beta: Have another cupcake.
Kate: Mummph Mummph Mummph Mumpph – Promise?
Beta: We won’t tell a soul.
Legal CYA - If you for a second wonder if this is a real interview, you are crazy and demoted all the way to ThetaMom.
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