BetaBirthday Manifesto

Nothing brings out the Beta in BetaMom like birthday party season. It's a time where Alphas and Betas show what they are made of. Alpha vultures circle us at birthday parties to find our weaknesses. We square off like the Sharks and the Jets at a rumble, except we're the ones that forgot our switchblades. Crap. Who took my switchblade out of my purse?

Some common invitaitons to rumble:

What weekend are you having BetaKid's party? Oooh, that's when my AlphaKid's is scheduled - and the invitations are already in the mail! Gosh - what are you going to do?

Oh! You are having the bubble guy? (singing lady? animal people? clowns?) We are too - the weekend before.

We are building a carnival in our yard.

It's on.

Even the most Beta of us in not immune to Alpha's superiority complex. Her hot glue gun is our Krptonite. Every handmade invitation, professionally catered party, set decorations, and over the top gesture makes us feel like we are less of a mother. Betas - I want you to remember this: (say it with me) IT'S NOT TRUE!

Does it make them a better mother because they were up all night working on the invitations? NO. It makes them tired and irritable.
Does it make them a better mother because they hired Patina to cater the event? NO It makes them stupid.
Does it make them a better mother because they used an event planner? NO It means that they have lost all perspective.

Our only way to fight back is to remember the only thing she forgets - the Kid. Alpha or Beta, everyone derserves to have fun at their birthday party. Or at least not be yelled at through a bullhorn. BetaMom has seen an AlphaMom ordering around guests with a bullhorn. It was scary. So BetaMoms, we ask you to win the war with a novel idea: a party that your kid will like.

BetaMom has learned some truths about birthday parties:
1. A young child has no idea of scale. A party of 20 is the same as having her 3 cousins over. As long as it's clear who is the guest of honor.
2. Pizza is the same, if not preferable to Patina.
3. The cheezier the decorations, the more your kids will like them.
4. For younger kids, parents will resent you if you don' t bring out the cake after an hour and a half. It's like being held hostage. The party should land no longer than 2 hours. If that.

So get over it, BetaMoms. Take the pressure off yourself. Being an overachiever didn't help Martha Stewart. It just landed her in the joint.

(Stay tuned for easy birthday ideas that won't require xanax or a hot glue gun.)

Comments

[molly sebastian]

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The documentary-style show is called “Wife Swap.” Please don’t be thrown off by the title – it is a family-centered program that airs on ABC primetime. The premise is simple: two moms from two different families have the opportunity to swap lives for a week to experience what it’s like to live a different lifestyle. The goal of the swap is for both families to take away something positive from the experience – both by teaching another family about their beliefs and values, and by learning something new about the way other people live.

I was hoping to enlist your help getting the word out about this opportunity. I understand that many individuals who are involved in certain groups prefer not to be contacted and consider many opportunities spam– which I totally respect. Of course, appearing on television is not for everyone! However, I’m sure this is would be interesting and adventurous for someone you may know. By casting a wide net, it’s my hope that I can find a family who would be excited about bringing their lifestyle to another family, and the rest of the country. The ideal family would delight in the opportunity to share their views publicly and be comfortable speaking candidly about their beliefs and philosophies.

Our show is looking for a family where there are at least two parents living in the home, and at least one child between the ages of 5-18 who resides there full time. Families who are chosen to participate on the show receive a $20,000 honorarium. Referrals for great families are always welcome, and if an individual refers a family that is selected for the show, we will give them a $1,000 finder’s fee.

Interested families can reach me ASAP at (646) 747 7945 and if it’s after 6pm, please call my cell at 786-385-6339 or email me at molly.sebastian@rdfnewyork.com AND mollysebastian@yahoo.com. Thank you in advance for your help, and please don’t hesitate to contact me with any questions or feedback.

Sincerely,
Molly Sebastian

[betamoms]

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